Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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