peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
