wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
