Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
