Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize