I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
