Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
