Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
