Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize