are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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