good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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