I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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