This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
