Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
