Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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