next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
