i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
