regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize