She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
