Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
