I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
