The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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