The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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