almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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