I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
