some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize