I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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