I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
