ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
