I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
