Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
