Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
