Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
