if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
