No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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