I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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