I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
