I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
