I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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