why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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