I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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