so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
