dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
