just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
