i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I got inside last night via doggy door
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
