Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
