Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
