My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
