there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
