how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
