Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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