Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
