i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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