There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I am available for nakedness
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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