a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
