Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
