There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
