I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
