you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
