Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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