after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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