I met the friendliest cop last night
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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