I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
